The Daddy Box

Shortly after my girls and I moved in with my new husband, I decided we needed a safe place for Nicole to keep the cards and letters she received from her Grandparents and occasionally her Father.  Even though they live only 2 hours away, the mail is their only means of communication.  In the beginning these letters came quite frequently, and they started to pile up around the house.  So we went box hunting!  Back then Nicole was 6, so she HAD to have a Disney Princess box.  I found a beautiful, shiny Princess box adorned with gold plated corners and handles.  We named it The Daddy Box. 

The Daddy Box sits on the top shelf in my girls bedroom closet.  It is almost full of cards and letters now, as it has been sitting there for nearly 4 years.  The box comes out occasionally, but it is rarely to reminisce.  It saddens me to say that it only comes down from the shelf when my girl is having a bad day or has just been reprimanded for doing something wrong.  I hate that The Daddy Box has become her outlet when she is upset.  That was never my intention. 

This weekend was no different.  The Daddy Box made its appearance when Nicole was grounded to her room.  She typically does not take her ADHD medicine on the weekends, and this day had been hard for her.  By the way, she's had all A's & E's in conduct since being diagnosed with ADHD and starting on the lowest dosage of Vyvance.  We send her to room sometimes to cool down and re-focus on what's important.  It was only for an hour, and she needed to clean her room anyway!

This weekend The Daddy Box experience had a new spin.  My youngest Daughter Reese was sucked into the box as well!  As she asked me to read her card after card (I could keep going here=), I knew she had absolutely no idea who the cards were from.  I read who signed each card, but <Please don't judge me here> since she has another Mee Maw, Reese just assumed the cards were from the Mee Maw she sees every week.  I let her believe it.

Should I feel guilty for not explaining who the cards and letters were really from?  I truly wasn't in the mood for that discussion.  Isn't she too young at 5 to understand anyway? 

The Oaf

Oaf - n.  A big clumsy, usually slow-witted person <an oaf who bumped into everything he passed>. 

This noun caught my attention when I glanced in my  Daughter's Thesaurus tonight.  As I'm typing this, it does sound a little unordinary for me to be reading a Thesaurus, so let me explain.  Shortly before bedtime my husband and I snuck off into our attached garage.  Again, odd I know, but this seems to be the only place we can hide in our home without being interrupted by a kid!  As we were talking, I looked down and saw the book lying near the door.  As I reached to grab it, I happened to place my fingers on the first page of the letter O.  Oddly enough, Oaf is the first word starting this section.  I felt compelled to read the synonyms of this rarely used word out loud.  As I did, Bruce and I looked at each other and knew instantly we were thinking the same thing.  We have new names to call my ex-husband!  My favorite synonyms were klutz, schlepp, lumpkin, imbecile, and meathead.

This week, my Oaf of an ex-husband thought it appropriate to send me a "text message" asking for my help in expediting a picture order he had placed.  I guess he is thinking that since I took his children (that he hasn't seen in 4 years) to the photographer to take Christmas pictures, AND since I was nice enough to send his family the link to buy the pictures, I should ALSO be required to assist him with purchasing them.  Apparently there have been some delays, and the photographer is not responding fast enough for him! 

Although his random, ridiculous requests typically do not surprise me, this one was bold.    Would you ask your ex-wife for help the same week you received a letter from her attorney threatening you with a civil suite?

I installed the new Android Blacklist APP on my EVO after that most recent series of texts.  After I replied to his request with my Attorney's phone number, he called ME a joke!  And who lives with their parents at age 43?  I'm really starting to wonder....is it only the alcohol that has affected his view of reality or something more? 

At least now I can go to my Blacklist APP when I am in the mood for crazy! 

The Daddy File

I love how children can make such great analogies on life and not even realize they are doing it.  My oldest Daughter made my heart hurt and my eyes cry for joy in one simple statement tonight.  She explained that her heart was like a filing cabinet.  The important files were at the top and then the rest were filed underneath.  I instantly pictured my computer screen in my head.

Nicole said the top files of her heart belonged to me and her birth Father for most of her life.  As she explained that the files were side by side, she held her fingers up to her heart and made two small rectangles.  She continued by saying that now the file for her birth Father had sunken deep down into her tummy.  As she said this, she moved the fingers from one hand down toward her stomach.  Although I hurt for her, I admired how strong she was being as she shared these difficult feelings.

Her final words are what made me cry.  She grined when she said that the missing file in her heart was now replaced by her new Daddy.  With great pride in her statement, she placed a new rectangle on her heart with her little fingers.

Love you honey!

My Current Dilemma

I felt like sharing my current dilemma with you this evening.  I am trying to decide if I should continue to share my blog posts with my ex-husband and his family.  I have not shared with them that I started writing a blog in fear of the backlash I would receive.  I do sometimes copy and past the blog and send it via e-mail.  The conversation came up when I asked my hubby what he thought about me sending them the last blog post I made.  The post basically said that I thought it might be time for Nicole to accept the fact that her Dad is probably never going to come see her. 

There are several reasons why I hesitate to send them the post: 

First of all, they have completely ignored my 8 page letter asking for help, as well as several e-mails that followed.  Do they really deserve to hear the struggles my girls are dealing with?  They didn't care enough to reply to me or even call and see how they could help.

Secondly, I wonder if they will think I am trying to make them feel bad, as if I am shaming them? 

Thirdly, and I almost hate to admit this, but part of me feels like I want them to hurt as much as Nicole does.  I want them to KNOW the pain she is going through.  My ex-husbands family refuses to get involved in my girls' life at all.  My posts would force them to be involved.  Am I completely wrong for thinking this way?

And lastly, I should have known that I would re-light the fires of my ex-husband by contacting his family.  He has been off the radar for nearly a year.  The silence has now been broken and he has begun his ritual harassment of my family and I.  I reached my breaking point this week and was forced to have my attorney send him a certified letter to cease any further contact or I will be forced to file a civil suite.  I can't even share with you ugly details of his latest slander toward me.  So this seems to be more of a legal question.  Can I send him my posts when a lawyer just told him he is not allowed to contact me?

Well that's my current dilemma in a nutshell.  Honestly, I think the last reason is my only hesitation.  Maybe that means this is a question for a lawyer. 

I think it's time

Tonight Nicole asked to call her Dad again.  She has asked occasionally since I reached out to her Dad's family to try and speak with him about the hurt he is causing his Daughters.  I've finally gotten over the shock that they haven't even bothered to reply.  Each time Nicole has asked to call I have been able to push it off onto her therapist.  I would say, "Let's wait until we see Gayle so we can get her opinion on the situation." 

I really think it's time for Nicole to accept the fact that her Dad is not going to come visit her.  I now believe it is in her best interest to stop asking him and avoid the hurt altogether.  It's not fair that she continues to be disappointed every time she calls him.  No one deserves that kind of pain, especially a 10 year old little girl.  I only want her therapist in on this difficult conversation in hopes she will know the appropriate words to soothe her.

How do you tell an anxious 10 year old girl that her Dad is probably never going to come and see her?

I am so proud!

Sometime last year I stopped letting my Daughter talk to her Dad for the simple fact that the conversations he had with her were completely inappropriate for a 9 year old girl to hear.   She was already struggling in school and having a hard time coping with everything.  When I had to explain to her what an illegitimate child was and prove to her that her little Brother was not one as her Dad told her on their last phone call, I knew this had to stop!

Nicole continued to struggle in school with grades as well as have behavior issues.  Her grades dropped from A's and B's to B's and C's.  She continued to get in trouble at school for talking, not following directions, and not listening to the teachers.  She even had N's in conduct on the end of year report card.  For those who haven't seen a report card in a while, that's non-satisfactory!  Nicole also had a very hard time concentrating, doing homework and even reading books (which she used to love doing). 

It had been apparent for some time that she was more distracted than usual and upset quite often.  She would get angry at the drop of a hat and have a very hard time calming down.  When asked why she was mad she usually said it was because of her Dad.  She felt very hurt that her Dad was not there for her and a part of her life.  It was obvious that something was missing from her life and she was really struggling with this for the first time.  She just couldn't seem to stop obsessing about it to the point of making herself cry!

In November I decided to take Nicole to see the pediatrician.  She literally cried when the Doctor asked her how she was feeling.  He highly recommended that I take her to see a psychologist/therapist as well as have her evaluated for ADHD.  With her grades slipping and her constant bad reports for behavior, I needed to explore every option to help her.  My family and I had always suspected that she might have ADHD, but we were never really sure.  She displayed many symptoms, but we always seemed to manage.   

After having her evaluated by the Doctor, Psychologist, her Teachers, and my Husband and I, the Doctor confirmed that she did in fact have ADHD.  Her Doctor required an EKG and blood work to review her overall health, and then discussed the options with us.  I had never been a big advocate of medicine, so I was forced to do an extreme amount of research on ADHD once this was determined.

On her 1^st day back at school from Christmas break, Nicole started taking the medication for ADHD.  I am over joyed to say that it has helped her tremendously.  She has been able to focus in school and has not gotten ONE MARK for BAD BEHAVIOR SINCE!  I met to discuss her progress with her teachers and the school counselor and they all gave her glowing reviews!  They said she is paying attention in class, staying focused, and her grades are already improving. She is following directions and listening to the teachers.

  

I am also proud to say that her latest report card had all E's in conduct for the first time in her life!!  That's EXCELLENT, by the way!  I feel like we have done the right thing and my Daughter is SO PROUD of her own progress.  She realizes that she is improving, which makes her try even harder.  She actually wants to go to school now and is reading books on her own!  This is truly a step in the right direction for her education and overall life.

"So there's a chance!"

It has been almost a month that has passed since Nicole reached out to her Father. She has not seen him in nearly 4 years. I am actually very proud of her for finally finding the courage to call and plead for her Dad to come and visit. I figured this day would come, but I was not prepared for the hurt it could cause. He completely evaded her questions, but still managed to leave her thinking there's a chance. All she wants to know is what her Dad is going to do. What do I tell her when she asks again to call? What's even more disappointing to me, is that her Dad has not called even once to see how she is doing or ask how he could help his daughter in nearly 30 days. Even after reading my letter that specifically detailed his daughters recent troubles.

There are often times that I stop and wonder how I ever got myself into this situation. How did I become the divorced wife of an unemployed, 43 year old alcoholic who cares nothing for his children? I would have never dreamed I would write a letter like this the day I looked into his eyes and promised him "I do". But I recall explicitly the day I knew my marriage was over. My husband was upstairs on our home computer looking at pictures. I was on a life changing journey when I made that trip up our stairs. I got down on my knees and begged the love of my life to quit drinking for good. I warned him that night that I was making my final plea for him to stop. I would not ask again. I knew that mentally, I could handle no more. I would not raise my children in this type of environment. I sometimes wonder if he even remembers this pivotal moment in his life.

My ex told me that night that he would stop drinking. He promised me that he would do it this time. I really wanted to believe him and probably even did a little. You always want to believe an alcoholic no matter how many times you've been let down.

It only took two days to know the fate of my marriage. If I recall, he did try using a different hiding spot for his usual $10 souvenir cup size of wine. I'm sure he didn't intentionally break his promise this time. I found the Sutter Home White Zinfandel (that was his usual choice of 4-pack) pretty quickly. I had gotten good at this game.

If I sound like I'm being cynical, it is not my intention. I have learned I can only get through this challenging life event by accepting it and growing from it. And making light of the whole terrible situation seems to help sometimes. Leaving my husband was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I know I did the right thing.

Just as my divorce was to be final, I realized that God had sent me an Angel from Heaven to help me through the pain I would endure from this difficult loss. I had known this Angel for years and always been friendly business acquaintances.  I knew his family, and was thankful they welcomed my girls and I with open arms.  He had personally dealt with alcoholism in his past and offered supportive advice.  He was aware of my situation, was a shoulder to lean on and showed genuine concern. He was respectful of my pending divorce, my hesitation to have a relationship with any man so quickly, and he was such the Gentleman!

Somewhere along the line I fell in love with that man. He embraced my children as if they were his own and continues to this day. He is their Daddy. I thank God that he was there for me when I needed help. And I thank god every day that I married him.

I hate that he has to now endure my pain too.

This sounds so familiar...Dr. Drew explains an addict to a T!

Are they ignoring me?

It's been almost two weeks since I mailed my 8 page letter to my ex-husbands family.  Yes I know, I had a lot to say!  I'm quite sure they received my lengthy plea on the 4th, as I received a random text from my ex asking me why I was harassing his family.  If by sending them a letter asking them to help him understand the ramifications of what he is doing to his daughters, then by all means I am being harassing!

I'm sure I caught them by surprise by sending such a lengthy letter out of the blue, especially after nearly 4 years have passed with only minimal contact (ie. birthday's and holidays).  Even though my request was unforeseen, I would think it polite to at least acknowledge my plea.  Let me add here, I even sent a follow up e-mail to my letter to everyone on the 5th.  I apologized if I came off as harassing and for not making more of an effort in the past. I offered a more open line of communication in the future and reminded them the girls are hurting from the loss of their family.  I also sent them several pictures of the girls and offered to share more in the future.

Still nothing.  No letter, no phone call of concern, no e-mail.  I'd be happy with an e-mail just saying we received your letter and we'll get back with you.  Honestly, I'd rather have an e-mail telling me to "Go To Hell" than the silent treatment.  At least I know where you stand.  A good friend of mine told me (after reading the letter), that I shouldn't get my hopes up.  I think she could feel the small glimpse of hope I had, and was trying to save me from getting hurt again.  I keep telling myself that she is probably right.  She usually is.

I don't know why I have tried to enlist the help of a family that makes zero effort to be a part of my girls lives.  Sometimes I think I reached out to them because it is their obligation.  Other times I blame my lack of outreach and effort to communicate as their reason for staying away.  But when it comes down to it, I made the effort for Nicole.  I wanted to know that I extended the olive branch.  I let them know my girls were struggling with the loss of their Father and his extended family.  I asked for their help and the need to be more involved. 

I will give Grandma one praise.  She is habitual about sending bi-weekly letters and special occasion cards.  I received a new letter dated the 4th for my girls and Valentine's cards on the 11th.  While I appreciate the gesture and my girls are somewhat enthuased when they get these cards and letters, they have become like a thorn in my oldests side.  It's just a reminder that they are only a family she knows on paper.  It is a reminder that they don't care enough to be a part of their childhood in real life.  My girls don't need a pen pal, they need the touch and feel of the love of this missing family.  They DO like the dollar that is always inside! :)

I haven't given the girls their most recent letter or the Valentine's cards yet.  I brought them home and left them in my purse all weekend.  Am I a terrible person or what?  I guess I'll give them out tomorrow.  I probably subconciously held on to them because I didn't want it to ruin my weekened.  Oh, and Nicole has asked twice if anyone has replied to my letter.  I could tell she was dissapointed when I told her no each time.  Guess I better start coming up with my next plan of action.      

She keeps asking

My daughter is very persistent. I think she gets that from her Mother. Last night at dinner she asked if she could call her Dad again. My heart sinks whenever she asks me that. What is the right answer here? I don't want to say no, because then I'm telling my Daughter she can't call her Father. There is something wrong with that to me. If I do say no, it would only be to protect her from being hurt again. No one wants their child to hurt, right?

Nicole began to ask to call her Father only recently. I would say for just the past six months. I think it has to do with her age. She is now 10 and the hormones are already kicking in. The pediatrician said it usually starts about this time and it makes girls at this age very emotional. It is also the first time they start truly learning Independence. They have more responsibilities and it is certainly the hardest year of school for them! I should know, as we have to help out a lot with Homework here.

Nicole hasn't seen her Father in nearly 4 years. She wants him to come to visit her desperately. If I let her call and ask him to come visit her, she is just going to be disappointed again. He is going to tell her no, and then she will be upset, and once again doubt his love for her!

My ex-husband is really very sneaky in his way of telling her no. He never really says no. He just replies with what he wants from her. For example: If my daughter says, "Will you please come down to visit me Daddy?". His response will be, "Well I want you to come up here to visit me." I'm starting to hear the frustration in her voice when he replies now. She's a smart little girl!

So last night I told her no. I told her that I mailed a letter to her Father's parents (her Grandparents) and to her Father's Sisters (her Aunts). I did not let her see the letter, as I felt it would be inappropriate for her to read. In the letter I asked them to try and talk to her Dad. To try and help him understand the hurt he is causing his little girl.

It's funny to me how Reese, our 5 year old, says nothing when her Big Sister asks to call her Dad. I really don't think she is paying attention and is in her own little wonderful world. Oh....to live in the mind of a precious, carefree, 5 year old. I am thankful she does not share the same grief as her older sister. At least not yet.